Do you ever wonder if it’s a good idea to work part-time,
complete a Master’s degree, and have a toddler all at the same time?
No! Of course you don’t, because that is a terrible sounding
idea! Who would want to do that? Why would anyone want to do that! I don’t
want to do that! So why do I find myself working at work, working at school, working
at parenting to a small blonde-headed monster, and scrambling to get dinner on
the table?
Working, schooling, and mom-ing is a lot. It is pretty
terrible at times. And I don’t even have it that bad. I work alongside single
moms who work full-time nights, send all of their paychecks back to their families in the Philippines, and are going to school to complete their RN
qualifications which they already have back in the Philippines. Meanwhile I
complain all the time about how much I have going on and I’ve got my son in
full-time day care, an extremely supportive husband, and lots of family nearby who provide lots of help. Who am I to complain? Who am I to feel overwhelmed? This is not a new issue. Moms (and Dads, but especially Moms) have been trying to find a balance between this family-work issue for years. I'm hardly the first Mom to struggle. Every mom feels overwhelmed about her life choices on a daily basis. If you are working you feel guilty about
working and having someone else raise your child. If you are staying at home
with your child you feel guilty about giving up your career to stay home with your
child. And all the articles on the internet telling you that you are doing the
right thing by pursuing your passions because happy moms lead to happy children
can’t take away from that little voice inside your head telling you that you
really should be doing the opposite of what you are doing.
I thought I had it figured out. I would work part-time and
Michael would go to daycare part-time and go to my Mom’s when I needed extra
childcare coverage. I could work but Michael would still benefit from
being with me at home and socializing and learning at daycare, and I could get
schoolwork done when Michael took his afternoon nap. What a beautiful theory! What a sweet, naive lady, to dream up such a beautiful theory! When reality hit and I got ethics approval for data
collection for my research project there were not enough hours in the day
to get anything done. IF Michael was not too snotty, sick, and disgusting from his two days a week at daycare to nap, I could get half an hour of work done or clean the house or have a nap myself. Napping always won.
I felt
stressed out all of the time and it was absolutely impossible to be a full-time
student, part-time nurse, and have a child in part-time daycare. So we decided
to put Michael into full-time daycare in December. That made completing my research possible. Suddenly I had so much more flexibility and could actually get work
done! And really, I’ve accomplished a lot. Since December I’ve done almost 60 hours of
observation, completed three of my participant interviews, and written the first three
chapters of my thesis while working nights shifts and trying to be a good partner to my husband and a good Mom to Michael. And Michael is thriving, too. He loves his teachers at
daycare! He loves his friends at daycare! They are teaching him French! He does a craft every day! His day is full of so many more structured activities than when I have him at home
and I’m just trying to survive the day.
So you think that would be a win-win scenario, right? I have time to
finish this stupid Master’s degree that I don’t know why I even started in the
first place because I like my job and I am tired of everyone asking me what I’m
going to do with a Master’s degree and what kind of job would that get me and
how much does it cost. Michael is loving daycare and he is a happy, thriving little
boy.
But that’s not where it ends. I love having Michael in
daycare and having days to myself. And I feel like daycare is better at the whole
raising a toddler thing than I am. Isn’t that terrible? Everyone says, of
course that’s not true, but I know that it kind of is. Since I have decided to pursue this degree wholeheartedly, I feel like every waking hour that I am not working and not with Michael is wasted if I’m not transcribing field notes or reading an article. And every time I have a
non-productive day, which happens quite frequently, I feel like a terrible, selfish
Mom who would rather binge-watch the Mindy Project than spend time with her
child. And I know that isn’t a
sustainable attitude but how else am I supposed to feel? Someone else is
raising my child so I can do this stupid degree that seemed like a really good
idea three years ago and here I am writing a stupid blog post instead of
actually working on this stupid degree! And the childcare that is allowing me
to finish this stupid degree is taking up at least two-thirds of my monthly
income! So what is even the point? Why am I doing this to
myself?
Because I set out to do a Master’s degree three years ago?
And I just can’t let goals go or disappoint myself or other people? I will
never forget the first time I really disappointed someone. It was at a grade
eight track and field meet. I was signed up to do the 3000m run. Of course I
was not going to break any school records, but my small Christian school had an
‘everyone should participate’ motto, and this was the race I signed up for because it was the longest distance and my Dad was a distance runner. I practiced and was ready for the race. But the
day of the meet it was raining and gross out. My friends skipped their events
and I skipped mine too. And Mr. Reimer took me aside, looked me in the eyes,
and told me that he was disappointed in me for quitting. All of my excuses
about the weather evaporated in his stern blue gaze, and I have been haunted by
that disappointment for years. The next year I ran that damned 3000 m. For
goodness sake, as an adult I completed marathons, and that still didn’t fully
assuage my feelings of guilt for disappointing Mr. Reimer one rainy afternoon.
So I am going to complete this degree. I am going to show
the world what exactly the culture of care is like for nurses who care for
people with dementia with behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia in
the acute care environment. I am going to fork over my paychecks to childcare and
give up zoo dates with my son and try and write papers at 2 in the morning when I get a break from keeping seniors alive. And one day Michael will be able to say, yup, that’s my mom, she knows
a lot about the culture of care that exists in acute care environments when nurses care for
people with dementia with behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia.
And will it be worth it? Let's be honest, it probably will not be worth it. But I will have a certificate on my wall, and a book no one will ever read will bare my name as author. And maybe I'll get a sweet nine to five, Monday to Friday job. Or I'll keep my part-time position, or I'll stop working altogether and stay at home with the kids.
And now I better go get to work.
